Losing Leah Read online

  With any luck today’s treat would be another candy bar.

  “Your teeth look good,” Mother said, switching off her small flashlight. “No cavities,” she added proudly, making a notation in my chart.

  I beamed at her. “I brush hard every day.”

  “Not too hard though, right? I don’t want you to damage your teeth.”

  I shook my head. “Only enough to remove all the grime.”

  She nodded in approval. “Good girl. How about your girl time? I’ve noticed you haven’t used any of your monthly supplies.”

  I twisted a lock of hair around my finger. “It’s not here yet.”

  Mother studied me critically for a moment. “Well, we know you’re not pregnant,” she finally chuckled, making another notation in my chart.

  The way she laughed made me cringe. Of course I didn’t want to be pregnant, but knowing it was never going to be a possibility made me ache. As long as I was here, living in seclusion, I would never have the opportunity for anything. I would never meet a boy, let alone hold hands with one, or know what it felt like to be kissed by one. I recently found myself scouring all my books, searching for the passages where the characters shared any kind of romantic contact. I would underline the passages, imprinting them to my mind so I could hopefully dream about them at another time.

  “Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get it soon,” Mother reassured me, mistaking my silence for concern about my period.

  I smiled meekly, wondering if the time would ever come when I could approach Mother about the possibility of a life for me outside the basement. I appreciated the sacrifices she had made in order to keep me safe from my sickness and care for all my needs, but she wouldn’t be around forever. Eventually, I would have to learn to live on my own. For now, I would continue to live vicariously through the characters in my books and hope for a better future.

  Mother gave me a quick, unexpected hug. I burrowed into her, cherishing the warmth.

  She pulled away as swiftly as she had reached out. I wasn’t surprised. Mother had never been the most affectionate person. “Time to weigh-in.”

  I was never worried about my weight. I’d been under the curve on Mother’s charts for as long as I could remember. The glass scale was cold beneath my bare feet, but I didn’t flinch as I watched the digital scale scroll until my weight was computed. The numbers held little significance to me, but I couldn’t help noticing the frown on Mother’s face as she looked at the scale. She checked the chart and then the scale again. “Hop off and then back on again,” she said, making a note on my chart. The digital scale scrolled for a second before computing my weight again.

  A feeling of unease began squirming in my belly. Mother frowned again, grabbing her measuring tape. I stood still with my arms raised as she measured my waist and hips and then my chest. Each number was carefully documented next to my previous results. I couldn’t resist peering over her shoulder as she recorded my arm measurements in the folder. Her displeasure was growing. The uneasy feeling in my stomach turned into a mass of squirming snakes as I saw the mistake I’d made on the paper.

  I had ignorantly assumed that my nighttime exercise routine would go undetected. For a solid month and a half I put all my effort into my workouts. I would lovingly stroke my hand over my newly defined arms that no longer felt like cooked spaghetti, marvel at the tautness of my stomach that was no longer soft. My legs were my crowning achievement. They no longer shook from the slightest exertion. I had forced them to endure more resistance than I thought possible. I was so much stronger now. Every muscle in my body practically hummed with anticipation each night, eager to grow. It was so worth it.

  That was before the same body I was so proud of was now betraying me. I’d been so naive. Mother was sure to notice the changes. Nothing ever escaped her watchful eye, and even if it did, the numbers would not lie.

  The fraught expression on Mother’s face became more severe with each measurement. I wanted to cover myself, but there was no place to go. I couldn’t lie or feign innocence. Her measuring tape felt like the blade of an ax resting against the back of my neck. I could almost feel the cold, heavy steel against my skin and wished it would finish the job. Mother would never forgive me for this. She would know. All my secrets would be revealed. Today there would be no reward. She would call what I had done betrayal. She would be right. I was supposed to trust Mother. Not defy her.

  Mother remained silent as she slammed my chart closed and stomped around my room. I began to brace myself for the punishment I knew was coming as she methodically searched every square inch of my living space. Every secret I’d been hiding for the past ten years was exposed. My heart shattered as she pulled Daisy from the couch cushions and discarded her in the trash like an old dirty rag. Hundreds of pictures of the sun that I had drawn and hidden among the springs of the couch were shredded and tossed.

  Mother practically growled as she moved to my bookshelves. I waited with bated breath, hoping she would not discover my darkest secret of all. She rifled through every book and tossed them to the side when the pages revealed picture after picture of a sun I would never see again. Each discarded book left a gap on my shelf, bringing Mother closer to my secret. I wanted to call out to her. Distract her. Anything to keep her away from the shard of metal I had been hoarding for months. The metal that I’d painstakingly pried away from the cabinet under my sink. It took countless hours of rubbing it against the block wall behind my bed to form it to the right shape and size to fit where I needed it. Another book hit the floor and my heart thundered against the cavity in my chest.

  It reminded me of a time long ago when I tried to escape. When I still believed my other mom and dad might want me back if I could only prove I could keep the sun from hurting me. I had crept silently up the stairs and waited for hours by the door that always remained locked. My plan was immature and ill-conceived. Somehow I naively believed that if I could just surprise Mother and race by her as she opened the door, I would somehow be able to find the front door of the house and make it outside. I was so scared. The plan almost worked. Mother wasn’t expecting me there when she opened the door, and her hands were full, so I did have the chance to slip around her.

  Unfortunately, she cared less about what she was holding and more about snagging me. She was able to snatch me by my narrow wrist and jerk me backward. Her grip slipped though and I went tumbling down the stairs. When I woke my leg was encased in a white cast and Mother didn’t talk to me until the day she removed it. It was the longest six weeks of my life.

  Book after book was tossed to the floor and Mother hesitated before grabbing another. I held my breath. Maybe she had been satisfied. She already found Daisy and the drawings. I could take that punishment. She would be mad, but in the end, she would forgive me. Before my hope could fully blossom though, she reached for another book. The one I was hoping she wouldn’t get to. My head dropped. Months and months of planning wasted. It didn’t take a genius to figure out the tool’s purpose. She walked over to the boarded-up window and lifted the tool to where it fit easily into the head of one of the screws. All the time. All the effort. None of it mattered anymore.

  Mother’s face changed, morphing into the monster that lurked deep inside her. I could only watch and wait as she reached for the leather strap hanging on the wall. Her hand closed around it before she bore down on me.

  My body, which I had been working to become stronger, was no match for the leather strap. It tore at my tender skin over and over again, swing after swing. A lump formed in my throat, blocking any whimper of pain. My legs shook like a leaf. I was weak. I deserved every lash of the belt. Weak. Weak. Weak.

  The words repeated in my head in a steady stream, building momentum like a train on a track. I imagined boarding the train, letting it carry me away to the darkness that I knew would shelter me. The words kept repeating as the train moved forward. Weak. Weak. Weak. I wanted to go faster, but an unexpected obstacle brought my imaginary train to a s
creeching halt.

  My body felt like it was on fire. Not from the leather strap lashing at my skin. That was a different kind of heat. The sensation was coming from inside my body, buried within my soul. It pushed me to stand, even as Mother continued to swing at me with the strap. I tried resisting. I wanted to retreat to my safe zone like I’d always done, but the mysterious sensation would not allow me to falter. I could feel it taking over whether I wanted it to or not. My mouth opened and a scream erupted from my throat like a volcano. At that moment I knew what had taken over.

  Anger. The very emotion I had dismissed long ago as useless.

  Anger like I had never felt before. Anger balked at consequences. It never cowered in fear. Anger reached out and grabbed the leather strap before it could strike again. The strap bit into my palm, but that did not stop me from holding on with all my might.

  Mother shouted at me to stop, but all I could see was the monster. Fury burned in the monster’s eyes as it growled at me. It dropped the strap and launched at me, wrapping its hands around my throat before I could defend myself. My intake of air cut off as the monster’s fingers closed tightly around my windpipe. I clawed and bucked beneath its weight, but it was no use. Darkness teased at my senses, but I continued to fight as long as I could. For once, I didn’t welcome the darkness.

  9

  MIA

  MY HEAD began throbbing as I left second period. For the briefest of moments I hoped that maybe it had nothing to do with the shadows that wanted to haunt me. Glancing in the direction I needed to go, I whipped around and headed the opposite way. I would be late for class, but it didn’t matter. Taking the long way to my locker was the only option. I turned down hallway B and cut over to hallway C, glancing covertly over my shoulder the entire time. It was following me. Two months had passed since the first time I’d seen the ominous dark cloud. It no longer hid anymore. It was bold and followed me anywhere I went. I double-backed down the hallway before scrambling past the door of my second-period class to get to my locker. The hallways were crowded, but I welcomed the crush of coming-and-going bodies. Peering to my right, I could see that my attempt to lose the cloud had failed. The darkness cloaked the entire hallway, covering the walls and the ceiling.

  My classmates were oblivious as they went about their business like it didn’t exist. Their biggest worry seemed to be avoiding the tardy bell. I had accepted the fact that I was the only one who could see the dark cloud. I’d come to think of it as a creature, one that had yet to harm me physically, but seemed hell-bent on driving me insane. It no longer cared if it was day or night or if I was at home or school. All I knew was that it wanted to torment me. I rubbed my eyes hoping it would fade away, but the creature refused to disappear.

  “Hey, did you find your biology notes?” Amber asked, emerging through the ominous cloud that blocked the entire hallway. It freaked me out to see her walk through the darkness unscathed. I wanted to grasp her shoulders and shake her until her teeth rattled in her skull. Did she have any idea what she had done? I would swim with alligators or walk barefoot over burning coals, even jump out of an airplane without a parachute before I would walk through the darkness. Deep-rooted fear gripped my senses anytime I thought about what lay beyond the shadows.

  “You okay?” Amber asked, seeing the shudder that rippled down my body, leaving behind goose bumps on my arms. Her tone wasn’t exactly condescending, but I sensed she was displeased with me.

  It took my brain a moment to categorize her words and compute what she’d asked me. “I’m fine—and yes, I found the notes,” I said, handing over the stack of papers I’d gathered the night before.

  Amber reached for the folder with greedy hands. “Bless you. I know that old bat would like nothing better than to fail me.”

  I snickered, ignoring the ice-cold trickle of sweat running down my back as the darkness moved closer, testing the invisible boundaries I tried in vain to keep in place. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end.

  Holding a conversation was almost impossible with the creature invading my space. I scooted closer to Amber for good measure. I was sick of cowering away in fear, but I was more afraid of getting swallowed up.

  “Are you listening to me?” Amber demanded, pulling at my arm in aggravation.

  I forced myself to focus on her face. I couldn’t blame her for being annoyed. The last two months had been rough. I was a different person. Fear had changed me.

  It had become my constant companion. Sleep no longer held any appeal. Closing my eyes only accentuated my paranoia, so I fought it with every fiber of my being. I would lie in bed, watching reruns of old TV shows and infomercials. Any mindless program to keep my mind occupied.

  Eventually, my erratic sleep patterns affected my appetite and I began skipping meals. I still went through the whole charade of lunchtime with my friends every day, but my mind was no longer in it. Amber and Luke knew something was wrong. Their confusion quickly eroded to frustration when I offered little to no explanation for my unusual behavior. I wanted badly to confide in them, but how would I put it into words when I didn’t understand why it was happening to me?

  My appetite and relationships weren’t the only thing suffering. For the first time in my life my academic career was slipping away. Homework and test scores took a backseat to what was going on in my head.

  I was slowly pulling away from everything and everyone who had been so important to me, and yet I couldn’t seem to care.

  Jacob was so busy with his own friends and wrestling practice that he hadn’t noticed how much I had withdrawn. Luke was confused and hurt. I was starting to ignore his calls and had very little to say when we were together. He was certain that I had decided to end things with him. Amber was tougher. We’d been friends for so long that pulling away without her noticing was impossible. She knew something was wrong and she was hurt I hadn’t confided in her.

  “Sorry, I missed what you said,” I answered. She huffed beside me as we headed to class. I sighed, but didn’t say anything. I could feel the anger simmering inside her as we headed for third period. Her frustrations were ready to boil over. Her shoes slapped against the linoleum floor and she swung her arm in an exaggerated motion as she walked. I knew Amber well enough to know that she wouldn’t remain bottled up long.

  “What the hell is wrong with you, Mia?” she hissed.

  Any other time I would have laughed. She was so predictable, like a ticking time bomb. There was no way I could continue feigning ignorance. She wouldn’t fall for that again.

  I shrugged. “I’m just dealing with some stuff,” I said, making a point to not look over my shoulder at the darkness behind me.

  She rolled her eyes, jerking me to an abrupt stop. “Is this still about the pool thing? Are you still mad at all of us? That was, like, two months ago. Okay, so we got caught. It’s not like we got in any trouble,” she said, blowing out an exasperated breath. “Do you want us to tell you that you were right? Is that what you need to hear?”

  I started to shake my head and correct her until my mind registered what she had just said. “You guys have been talking about me?” This time it was my turn to be annoyed. How nice that my friends had taken it upon themselves to talk behind my back. “Are you and Luke going to hook up next, now that we’re having problems?” It was a cruel thing to say. I knew it the moment the words left my lips.

  Amber rolled her eyes. “You’re kidding, right?”

  I shrugged. I felt so confused lately that I wasn’t entirely sure whether or not I was kidding. “I’m not mad,” I said. “We could have gotten in a lot of trouble though. We’re lucky Luke was a total rock star on the field that night, otherwise Principal Trout could have nailed us to the wall.”

  “But he didn’t. Should we have listened to you? Sure, but come on. You have to agree, it was a rush,” she implored as the warning bell rang.

  I shook my head. Nothing about that night had been a rush. She was right about one thing. I h
ad changed, just not in the way she thought. I didn’t blame any of them for the nightmare I was living, but it was only happening to me.

  She stood in front of me, blocking my way into class. “You have to forgive us,” she demanded.

  I didn’t know how to make her understand that forgiveness wasn’t necessary. What I was going through had nothing to do with them. I was dealing with things they couldn’t comprehend. And to make matters worse, I had no idea how to explain it. Pretending to care about the trivial things was too much to bear at the moment. “I do forgive you,” I said, trying to appease her.

  “Bullshit,” she said as the second bell rang. We were officially late for class, which was another sign of how much I had changed. My perfect image was cracking at the foundation. I could see it, and by the look on Amber’s face, she could see it too. The hallways had emptied, but our silent standoff continued. We were at an impasse.

  Amber was the first to break. Sighing, she reached into her pocket and pulled out a pad of signed late passes that she always kept on hand. She tore off two from the top, handing one to me. I reached for it without question, but saw a flash of pain in Amber’s eyes. There was a time when I would have balked at taking a pass from anyone other than a teacher, but now I did it without a second thought. Amber knew that and I knew it.

  For a moment, I thought again about telling her the truth, not even caring if she believed me. Breaking it off with Luke would be hard enough, but our relationship was superficial in comparison to my friendship with Amber. Best friends were supposed to be forever. I glanced at the darkness to my left that was completely blocking the hallway. A ripple of fear crept down from the nape of my neck. Even if I could get the words out, I had no idea what to say.