Losing Leah Page 3

  He shrugged. “Not particularly. He used to be on the wrestling team until he got all pretty and became a lifeguard,” he said with disgust.

  I chuckled, wondering if I should share what I had learned yesterday about Anthony and his pecs. The first bell rang. “Oops, I better go,” I said, shoving the last of my Pop-Tart into my mouth. I’d have to tell him about Anthony’s waxing routine later.

  I ended up declining Jacob’s invitation for a ride that afternoon. Instead I spent my time in the library working on my statistics homework. The library emptied out quickly after seventh period, but Miss Nelson, the librarian, knew me well and didn’t mind that I stayed. She always hung around until after five anyway. Eventually, I trudged through my statistics homework and jumped on one of the computers to research a paper I had due in world history, but I couldn’t bring myself to concentrate any further. The nagging feeling that I always seemed to struggle with began to dominate my thoughts again. My fingers danced curiously over the keyboard before typing the words “twin bonds” into the search engine.

  The screen finished loading, displaying multiple search results. I clicked on the first link, not sure of what I was looking for. Was I trying to prove that my pain was actually Leah’s? Could she feel anything about me? Maybe I was going crazy or at the very least I was being selfish. Leah had most likely died ten years ago and I was blaming her for my unexplained headaches. But what if Leah wasn’t dead? What if she was just a regular girl going to school somewhere, living her life without having ever known that she had been abducted? I let the fantasy play out in my head for a few minutes. Maybe Leah was a cheerleader or goth, or maybe she was a brain like me.

  Unfortunately, reality was harsh, and the fact of the matter was that if Leah were alive somewhere there would likely be nothing normal about her. She would know she was taken. If she could she would have reached out to us. Something in my heart told me Leah would do everything in her power to get to us. If she were free to do so.

  There was no scenario that wasn’t depressing to consider. Without clicking on any other links, I shut down the computer. Whatever answers I was searching for wouldn’t come from the internet. I gathered up my things and waved at Miss Nelson before heading out. I figured I would go to the football field early to watch the players warm up and enjoy the last rays of sun. It would suck when daylight savings time ended. It never felt right for the sun to set by six. My favorite time of year was the summer months when the sun would shine until after eight every night.

  My shoes slapped against the floor as I walked, echoing off the empty walls in the hallway. The noise was eerie. I picked up my pace, wishing the library wasn’t at the far end of the building. I rounded the corner, relieved to be nearly outside. With all the lights off, every empty classroom I passed was darker than I was comfortable with. The sun may have still been out, but it was no longer shining on the side of the building where I was at. My eyes stared straight ahead, avoiding the long shadows in the classrooms cast by the furnishings. It felt silly to be afraid of the dark at sixteen years old, but my headaches had manifested the dark into something frightening.

  Making my way past the science labs, a sudden noise coming from one of the rooms caused me to jump and I nearly dropped my bag. “Hello,” I called out, clutching my heaving chest. If someone was trying to frighten me, I was prepared to lay them out. I was short, but tough. Jacob had been giving me self-defense lessons for years. I could put someone twice my size on their ass.

  A faint scratching from the far corner of the room was the only response to my greeting. I stepped closer, peering as far into the room as I could without actually going inside. The darkness was heavy and impenetrable. I backed away slowly, pausing suddenly when it looked for a moment like the shadows moved. I stood like a statue. “Is anybody there?” I asked, getting no response.

  Blinking my eyes, I focused on the spot I thought had moved when all of a sudden the shadows appeared to rise from the floor. They gathered together into one giant mass, moving toward me. I tried to turn and run, but my feet refused to respond. My brain literally screamed inside my head to move, and yet I remained frozen. The darkness slithered toward me like a snake, void of any light. A scream clawed its way up my throat as terror held me in place.

  Move, a voice shrieked in my mind. I clamped my eyes closed, expecting the darkness to suck me in as it moved closer and closer. My heart roared in my eardrums like a freight train. Move, my mind shrieked again.

  I forced my eyes open to find that the darkness had disappeared back into the shadows of the classroom. I blinked again to be sure, working to catch my breath as my chest pounded. “Nice going, you dork,” I said, chastising myself. I couldn’t believe I allowed my imagination to get the better of me. They were only shadows.

  After a few more deep breaths, I was able to get my heartbeat back under control. I whirled around, anxious to get outside in the light and away from the dark classrooms. Everything inside me wanted to turn and look over my shoulder as I hurried down the hallway, but I fought the urge. It felt like a million eyes were on me, all whispering as I passed.

  Reaching the heavy metal door at the end of the hall, I shoved it open, gulping the warm outside air like I’d been submerged. My lungs burned as I heaved in and out. Clearly I had held my breath while I raced down the hall. All thanks to my overactive imagination. If Jacob saw me now there was no way he would keep quiet.

  The more distance I put between me and the building, the more ridiculous I felt. Between my headaches and being chased by shadows, I was practically begging for a trip to the doctor.

  Amber and the rest of the cheer squad were already on the football field in front of the bleachers when I arrived. She waved at me before rolling her eyes at Trinity who was barking orders at the top of her lungs. I flashed an exaggerated thumbs-up, climbing to an empty seat on the third row where I’d have a better view of the action.

  The metal bleachers were warm from the sun beating down on them all day. It was just one of the perks of living in a warm-weather climate. In other parts of the country people were probably already wearing jackets instead of shorts and T-shirts like we could.

  “Did you see Joshua almost drop me again?” Amber asked, joining me while the squad took a break. “If he drops me tonight there’s no telling where my foot might wind up, so make sure you’re watching because it’ll be good.” She took a swig from her water bottle, waiting for me to comment. “You okay?” she asked.

  “Sure, why?”

  She pursed her lips, studying me intently for a moment. “I don’t know. You look off or something.”

  I laughed, hoping it didn’t sound as hollow to her as it did me. “Off? What does that even mean?” I asked, giving her a shove on the shoulder. “Are you a psychiatrist?”

  She continued to watch me critically. “Say what you want, but I’ve known you too long. Did you and Luke get in a fight?”

  “No. I’m fine, seriously. I think Trinity is trying to flag you down though,” I said, nodding toward the rest of the cheer squad who were lining up in formation. I adored Amber and her intuitiveness, but I didn’t want it directed at me. I had enough weird stuff happening without bringing Amber into the mix.

  Amber looked like she wanted to say more, but Trinity blew her whistle stridently in our direction. “God, I’m going to shove that damn whistle down her throat. Maybe then it’ll be less annoying,” Amber grumbled, stomping down the bleachers.

  This time my laugh was more genuine. I could easily see Amber making good on her promise.

  By the time our team ran out on the field for warm-ups the bleachers had begun filling in around me. I flagged down my friends Tina and Jen when I saw them searching for a spot to sit.

  “Girlfriend,” Tina said, hugging me as she sat down. “I hope we slaughter Winter Park tonight, especially since they kicked our asses last year,” she added, sticking her feet up on the row in front of us.

  “Didn’t you date that guy, Russ, from
Winter Park over the summer?” I asked.

  Jen giggled on the other side of her. “That’s right. You did. He was a doucheball too. You should go sit on the other side of the field, traitor.”

  “A momentary lapse in judgment. Besides, he had a nice butt and I didn’t know what an asshole he was until I went out with him. Plus, he was dumb as rocks.”

  “Football players usually are,” Jen agreed.

  “Not true. Luke’s GPA is almost as high as mine,” I said, standing up and cheering as the teams lined up for kickoff.

  Talking became impossible once the game started. The crowd was charged into a near frenzy. Winter Park was our school’s biggest rival. They were notorious for playing dirty. Last year they clipped Jimmy Clausen, our quarterback, in the ankle when the refs weren’t looking. He sat out the rest of the game and the season with a broken ankle, ending our chances at state. Tonight was about retribution.

  By halftime my throat was raw from cheering after Luke caught a long pass and ran it in for a touchdown, putting us up by seven points. Amber and the cheer squad did their parts too by keeping the crowd energized. Somehow Joshua and Amber managed to work out their kinks because I didn’t see him drop her once. Little did he know he had saved himself from a throat punch, at least for one half of the game anyway.

  “You’re so lucky,” Tina yelled into my ear when Luke caught another long pass. “Luke is the whole package. Cute and a football god. If we weren’t friends I’d totally hate you.”

  “And probably try to steal him,” Jen chimed in.

  “I’m not that much of a bitch,” Tina protested. “Now, if they’re on a break it’s open season.”

  “Well, paws off. Luke is mine,” I said, giving her a nudge with my hip. “I’m short, but I fight dirty,” I added, holding my fingers up like claws. Tina laughed as I fished my hoodie out of my backpack. Now that the sun had gone down there was a slight nip in the air.

  “Like I’d do that anyway. There’s way too many fish in the sea. I—” She became distracted mid-sentence when the crowd erupted after our team intercepted the Winter Park quarterback.

  Jen snorted. “Tina doesn’t have the attention span to steal anybody’s guy. Besides, Luke is so into you,” she said, joining the crowd in performing the wave as it passed our section.

  “Hey, I heard that,” Tina, said sticking her tongue out at us. “She’s right though. I know a lost cause when I see it. Luke is off the market,” she added, winking.

  Jen and I burst out laughing as Tina swung her arms over our shoulders.

  The crowd in the bleachers remained relentless in their support of our team. With all the yelling and high-fiving going on, it was amazing that Jen and Tina and I could hold any kind of conversation at all. I stood up with my arms in the air when the wave passed our section again. As I sat down, something in the trees beyond the football field caught my attention, a movement of some kind. Peering past the bright lights, I held my hand over my eyes to cover the glare to try to make out what I’d seen. I thought it was probably the trees swaying since it was a bit breezy, but my instincts felt differently. It was as if I could see the shadows moving within the darkness. My heart began beating in a swift tempo that had nothing to do with the game.

  “Did you see that? What a catch,” Tina yelled, slapping me on the arm.

  I never responded, but neither she nor Jen noticed. They were too caught up in the game with everyone else. Whatever was happening within the shadows was for me alone.

  4

  LEAH

  SETTING THE tray down, I spotted the familiar small white pill next to my plate. I knew why it was there. The stupid paper sun that shouldn’t have been worth this much grief. Unfortunately, Mother now knew that I’d been up after lights-out.

  She told me the pills were for my own good. They would help me fall asleep while she was at work. That way she would know I was safe. I actually didn’t mind taking them sometimes. The pills sent me into a deep slumber that felt like a security blanket. I could dream about anything without fear of Mother finding out.

  On other days the pills were a nuisance that robbed me of what little freedom I had. Most nights I stayed awake in the dark for hours after Mother left for work. The lights were controlled by a switch outside the basement door where I couldn’t reach. The darkness to me was a time of peace. In a world where I had no one else to talk to, the shadows became my friends. Like a blind person, I learned to navigate the darkness without sight. I knew every single space of my room by touch alone. Eventually, I would prove my obedience again and the pills would stop, but until then my freedom had once again been limited. “You’re not eating,” Mother observed, scooping corn up onto her plate. “I thought you liked meat loaf.”

  I forced my eyes away from the pill and the power it held. “I do,” I said, picking up my fork and taking a big bite. It wasn’t a lie. Meat loaf was my favorite meal. It was one of the rare occasions when Mother would be generous with portions and I would actually get stuffed. Having a full stomach always made me fantasize that maybe I was getting stronger. It was a silly thought. I wasn’t strong. I wanted to be, but my muscles were weak. They’d always been weak. Mother said it was a side effect of my sickness. It could have been worse. I could be bedridden or dead. There was a time I’d wished for death, when my limbs had burned after one of Mother’s punishments. Sometimes the vivid memories still haunted me.

  “I thought we would watch a little television tonight,” Mother said.

  Like the little white pill, this was no surprise. Mother’s anger may have been unpredictable, but her remorse was always the same. I knew she didn’t mean to hurt me. She didn’t want to strike me. She was only trying to protect me. Television was a truce, her way of apologizing. It was a rare treat that I secretly coveted. It was the one time where I did not need an imagination to see the outside world.

  When dinner was over and the dishes were clean, Mother watched as I placed the little white pill on my tongue and swallowed. The effects would move through my bloodstream in less than hour. After looking in my mouth to verify that the pill was gone, she was satisfied. “Good job. You may go change for bed while I hook up the TV.”

  I hurriedly changed into the fresh set of pajamas that sat at the edge of my bed, not wanting to miss a moment of the magic. It didn’t even matter what we watched. Every single second counted.

  I slid onto the couch next to Mother and she put her arm around my shoulders. She had forgiven me. All I had to do was not ruin the moment by wincing from the still-fresh scabs on my back and arms. The wounds that would eventually scar were insignificant. All that mattered was that she was no longer mad.

  Normally we watched educational programs, but on rare occasions, like now, she would put on an actual comedy or drama program. I’d read a lot of books over the years that mentioned television, but none of them had captured the essence of watching it live. Clearly, it was something that couldn’t be translated on paper. That or the characters in the stories never appreciated a little TV time as much as I did.

  After about twenty minutes, the effects of the pill began to take hold. My brain felt a bit mushy as the show came to an end. Mother switched off the television. Thirty minutes was all I ever was allowed. Not a minute longer. Tonight, I didn’t mind. Sleep was already tantalizing me, making promises only I would understand. I was ready to sink into the darkness and let everything else fade away.

  Mother helped me into bed and covered me up. I closed my eyes, hearing the sound of her footsteps on the stairs. I was asleep before she could even lock the door. As always, the darkness welcomed me into its warm embrace. Loving and gentle like an old friend.

  * * *

  The next few days came and went without change. Each night at dinner, the little white pill waited on my plate. I began to resent its presence. I welcomed my dreams, but the cost of losing my freedom was making me angry. The emotion was relatively foreign to me. Anger was something I had buried as a useless emotion years a
go when I realized that it changed nothing. No matter how angry I got, my parents had never showed up to get me. I could get angry at myself when I did something to make Mother punish me, but it never stopped the leather strap from tearing me apart.

  In spite of my reasoning, I still couldn’t help feeling angry over the little white pill. It was robbing me of something I desperately wanted. Something that had become an obsession. If Mother found out, her wrath would know no bounds.

  * * *

  I woke up the next morning with a plan. It was dangerous, but worth a try.

  “You look happy this morning,” Mother said, placing one slice of bacon on my plate.

  “I do?” I looked away, wondering what she saw on my face. She couldn’t know what I was thinking. It would ruin my plan. “I slept well,” I answered lamely.

  “That’s good.” She looked pleased at my words and I regretted them almost instantly. The point was to stop taking the pills. If she thought they were helping she would keep them up indefinitely.

  After breakfast, Mother gave me my homework assignments for the day and headed upstairs. I stood up and placed my favorite cassette into the tape deck I got as a gift on my eleventh birthday. I liked the music as a distraction from how quiet it could get in my room. I didn’t have much of a selection to choose from and most of the cassettes showed their wear and tear. I was hopeful that Mother would give me more, but it hadn’t happened yet. I learned long ago that Mother became angry if I asked for things like toys, books, or music. Instead she wanted the gratification of providing all my worldly possessions for me. What I liked was never even a consideration.

  Humming along to my favorite song, I lifted the couch cushion and reached my hand down into the couch as far as it would go. My fingers fumbled around until they found what I was looking for. “Hello, Daisy,” I whispered after extracting the crude doll I had made years ago out of one of my socks. The doll looked nothing like my old Daisy. She had no arms or legs and her features were drawn on with marker that had begun to fade years ago. Daisy’s eyes were misshapen and her nose was crooked and too big for her face, but it didn’t matter. I loved her. She was my friend, the only one who knew all my secrets. Best of all, Daisy never got angry with me, even when I shoved her deep in the cushions of the couch. She always understood.